i am your density.

12:06am: i don't know who--if anyone--still checks this internet world full of awkward nostalgia, cliches, and self-indulgant but sometimes brutally honest and heartbreaking thoughts & memories that we call "eljay," so this is somewhat like walking into a pitch-black room and just talking out loud to no one.

but sometimes i feel sick when i think about how i have lost touch with almost everyone in my life, especially those people who used to participate in this blog with me.

and i just wanted to say i'm sorry. and that i still think about a lot of you often. and i hope you are all doing well.

12:52pm: Kurt is up in heaven now.
"My parents and grandparents were humanists, what used to be called Free Thinkers. So as a humanist I am honoring my ancestors, which the Bible says is a good thing to do. We humanists try to behave as decently, as fairly, and as honorably as we can without any expectation of rewards or punishments in an afterlife. My brother and sister didn't think there was one, my parents and grandparents didn't think there was one. It was enough that they were alive. We humanists serve as best we can the only abstraction with which we have any real familiarity, which is our community.
I am, incidentally, Honorary President of the American Humanist Association, having succeeded the late, great science fiction writer Isaac Asimov in that totally functionless capacity. We had a memorial service for Isaac a few years back, and I spoke and said at one point, 'Isaac is up in heaven now.' It was the funniest thing I could have said to an audience of humanists. I rolled them in the aisles. It was several minutes before order could be restored. And if I should ever die, God forbid, I hope you will say, 'Kurt is up in heaven now.' That's my favorite joke.
How do humanists feel about Jesus? I say of Jesus, as all humanists do, 'If what he said is good, and so much of it is absolutely beautiful, what does it matter if he was God or not?'
But if Christ hadn't delivered the Sermon on the Mount, with its message of mercy and pity, I wouldn't want to be a human being.
I'd just as soon be a rattlesnake."

-MWAC


"A crazy thought now occurred to Billy. The truth of it startled him. It would make a good epitaph for Billy Pilgrim—and for me, too.

'EVERYTHING WAS BEAUTIFUL, AND NOTHING HURT.'"

-SH5


www.vonnegut.com

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/12/books/12vonnegut.html?ex=1334030400&en=5f47f4f343376a1f&ei=5088&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

12:03am: i forgot how old i was today for the first time.




oh. and hi.

1:45am: 2006: The year of total upheaval.

these thoughts for the new year always seem so arbitrary, but this time, for many reasons, they really aren't.


i need to stop being so scared of everything. thats the solution.
i want to change things about myself.
some things may seem like nothing at all, ridiculous to worry or think about, or just wholly unnecessary.
but still, they're Things. to me. and that's the problem.


now its time to figure out what i truly believe and feel and hold true and what was born of--or held back by, depending on how you look at it--fear and anxiety.

and.
i am so sick of making myself an outsider.



do i contradict myself?
very well then i contradict myself,
(i am large, i contain multitudes.)






this will probably be one of the last meaningful entries i will ever write on this monster.





i am so sorry i have been so distant to everyone.
overall,and despite what this entry may make you feel, i am truly wonderful. i hope you are too.
and i'm always proverbially here.








*a year tomorrow*


-c.

2:48am: www.americanhumanist.org
i am smarter than i was yesterday. yesterday, i was smarter than i was the day before yesterday. the day before yesterday, i was smarter than i was the day before the day before yesterday. and so on...



i get really excited about things sometimes.




i wish i could write. ideas. less vague feelings. ideas instead. emotion as well as intellect. please.




i want to read everything.




signing off.
c.f.

12:00pm: These two things died on my brithday this year.

1:35am: steve and i(with emily, rick, and brian at different points) sat and watched all six star wars movies today. all 13 hrs. and 14 min.

say what you will, but this was a big day in my 23 years.

9:33am: worst day of your life.

happybirthday.

3:17am: we shouldn't have to feel like assholes just because everything around us sucks.
most people are too far-gone.


i really have come to hate this thing and everything i've ever felt was necessary to share on it.

evolution, i guess.

-c.

5:47pm: i'm still around.
don’t worry.

sorry i don't talk anymore.

( update )
-c.

5:58pm: theres an animation show going on here this weekend.
i saw this movie last night. and i really liked it.
i posted a clip of it yesterday. but i found the whole thing today.
http://www.atomfilms.com/af/content/hello?mid=65498379
bye.

1:23am: http://www.studionix.com/hello_qt01.html

5:53pm:
happy(belated)birthday
(sorry, i have been away)

3:02pm: i didn't like this.
1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.
( my answers )

9:59pm: i came back to this today.

"Oh, did I tell you I farted on Chad Michael Murray the other day?"

11:42pm: off to new york at 5am.
i'm sorry i don't ever talk anymore.

my circles have been drastically tightened. for better or worse. not intentional.

call anytime. if you like. or write. or e-mail. or IM. or text. or whatever. or not.

and.

i want to start being less stubborn.

i realize that many some opinions and views i hold come somewhat from insecurity and anxiety and apprehension.

i want to start changing these things about myself.

and i am going to start writing everything down. (not here)
if i am going to be serious about this one day, i need to start now.

fustian.

White Noise by Don DeLillo next. and. Joe Strummer and the Legend of the Clash by Kris Needs. and probably some Welcome to the Monkey House and Steinbeck in there too.

my mind is in one of those modes about some things, like it's running too hard. overheating. there's smoke coming from under the hood. (like my car, the first 20 min. of every trip. but then it evens out. and calms down. and everything's fine.)

ok. now i want to go to europe after all the brilliant photos.

i may go to italy and/or australia within the next year and a half. possibly. possibly.

i have to start living my life now.

-c.

7:51pm: i have a beard.

i slept all day.

i'd rather do nothing when i'm with people i truly care about.
just be with them.

and i'm probably one of the most boring people ever.

1:33am: The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool
Emily’s gone for two weeks. It's the longest we've been away from each other in about 6 months i guess.
I’m heading out of here tomorrow.
I just want to leave for a little while and be home and get away from the direct pressure of having to start a real life for a little longer. just be home and hang out for a little while.


i got sunburned pretty bad at the beach the other day. last night, my back was so itchy it woke me up around 4:30. the next 3 hours or so were spent covering my burns with aloe, and pacing around the room, waiting for the ithching to stop. at one point, i even debated going outside and going for a run(yeah. me. running.) until the exhaustion took over the itching and burning and i could finally sleep again.

anyway.

Im sick of feeling so boring because I don’t drink.
Rick has been in town this week. Every night he asks what we should do tonight, and all I feel like I can really do is wait for brian to get off so he can bring him to a bar somehwere about town.


*I just want someone in this town, non-straightedge, who feels the same way about the subject, and makes me feel a little less irrational about it(not straightedge because with that, there is a form of community, one which I never have been a part of. I never knew about it for most of my life even. No offense to it at all). I just don’t want to doubt myself and my own thoughts and feelings. Being inundated with the opposite opinion everyday really can do that to you sometimes. And I trust myself with things. I think I’m a relatively smart person.*

it just seems as if it is just another thing that people partake in and accept on a grand scale that I just can not comprehend.

For many different reasons, these things come in waves, and they last for weeks/months/however long.

Its almost like I build all these things up myself that make me feel alienate or apart from the people around me. And that makes me think about myself and others too much, and it always ends with me feeling horrible. Mostly about myself. And I don’t know why. I never do.

And im sorry if I sound ridiculous right now, talking at such length that probably isn’t that big a deal to anyone else. But yeah.
And this isn’t an attack on anyone. Unless its such an importantly large aspect of your life that you feel attacked. If that makes sense.

”This town is full of people out to harm each other, and fuck each other, and then harm each other again…”
-Brian five minutes ago, on the way back from the village market, aka the Villagio. Rick and him bought beer and liquor. I bought keebler fudge stripes and P.Nutty’s.

I honestly do not understand why some people get into the things they do. Girls.music.drugs.fashions.whatever.
My circle seems to be growing smaller and tighter here in Wilmington. And then at night, I sit with the same two guys each night and we just talk about how frustrated we are with most of the people and events around us, or the shows on television or the music on the radio. Real, genuine, intelligent conversation is the most enjoyable thing you can ever be a part of.
I feel like a dick sometimes. Like I am judging everyone around me in some way. But I think I have a right to be mad in some broad sense. I feel cheated by the time I live in, without trying to sound to over-the-top.

But. The three of us are going to start a band soon. With the greatest name ever.
This one is actually going to happen outside of my own mind too, I swear.


I’m sorry for filling your friends page up with this drivel. But I feel like I’m going to start ranting about things again on here. For some reason, it feels better when its just out there for people to read it. It’s not just in my head anymore.

My car has smoke coming from under the hood lately. I hope to God I make it home.

sorry this is so long.

-c.

2:19am: you and i wear the dangerous looseness of doom and find it becoming
fair warning.

i feel a rather longwinded post comingon soon.

i feel i don't talk to anyoneanymore outside of my ever-shrinking circle.

i hopeto change that soon.

and my mind has felt like a sinkwithacloggeddrain for so long now.
i needto write things down. and for somereason ineedpeople to read them too. i don't know why. i hate that i do it here.

i want to startwriting again soon.

i am goinghome for a while ithink.


goodnight.

-c.

3:48am: brian's new friends, laralu applebum and mr. tommy swiggleboots esq.
( a bear with a gun and a girl with no pants. )

that is all.

12:40am:
RIP, boys.

12:27am: going to a rock concert is like looking at a snow globe.
today i saw a dolphin and ian mackaye.

(actual dolphin not pictured)

1:29am: i just wish i started earlier.
i want to go back in time. i want to keep the people i have around me(well, about 75% of them anyway), but have us all be 12 years old again.
i think that would be good.
thats it.

-c.

6:24am: "It never happens with anything else does it?
You don't use mayonnaise? Why? Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I can go outside..."

1:07am: randomly...
if anyone has my this(Songbook by Nick Hornby), could I possibly get it back from you?

thank you and good night.